I must start a new approach...

I know that I can do well in this business but I need to become committed to really putting myself out there to our current client base. I feel that if I could provide more services and really know them inside out that I could be the real benefits person I should be.
My learning curve is small and my experience with anything other than health is even smaller, I think i need to add Long Term Care, Term Life, Disablity and Workers Comp. For me this can all be put together.
But until times get better, I will concentrate on our current clients and seeing if I can save them some money. I think I will definately do a soft sell, just letting you know I'm with the agency, can I ask what your doing now, are you happy, if you are that's great, let me know if you need anything. I want to start with health and when things turn up I can add on services. But I need to have a good base in those services and I don't.

Long time gone...

The election did go off without a hitch and it was wonderful to see Obama get in.

Again I did not vote on the issue of health care, neither candidate has a good grasp of the issue. I guess I'm revisiting this blog because I had a couple declined yesterday and I've been trying desperately to find them some healthcare. They are six years away from retirement and can't find a company to take them. I feel guilty because I could have advised them to stay where they were at.

But in any case, they could be declined by the company that I just signed them up with.

I've been working on a lot of stuff and closing a little bit of stuff. I think if I can continue I can find some companies some real savings. I think that will be the wave of the future. I'm working on 3 groups for a 1/1 start date. They are small groups under 8 but all of it is money. I'd much prefer to work for them then for six or seven big one's where I could lose the account. I was reading in the Insurance Forums about a female who does group that does all of their back office stuff. I don't think I could deal with all that crap but if I had the admin I would. I wouldn't mind offering that service to some of my clients who have small operations. I will consider it. But I think my boss would not like me to deal with the E&O of it.

I did get a lead from one of our guys in Carson about a large group but i'm not sure I can offer them what they want eventhough I it would be worth it in the long run. It's a radiology group that I feel we can do a lot for i'm just not sure if they will give us the chance. I hope they will but at the same time if I worked so hard and then lost them....I'd be devastated.

There is another group I got a lead on this morning who do wall construction and I guess I should be working on them right now. But I'm not.

I'm feeling a little down and I can't figure out why, I mean sometimes my med's make me feel down. Usually it only happens once or twice a year or so, it just depends--I just get blue and I feel like i'm coming apart. I ate a good lunch (fatty) and took another pill hoping that will calm my system but so far it hasn't worked completely. So I thought maybe a good blog would get me on the right track. I've got to regroup and put my mind toward closing some deals. I will make this happen. Earlier I felt like going home shutting the door and not letting anyone in. I'm a Mom now and I don't have the luxury of my own time and space. I don't mind that part of it really. I just need to get my energy up.

What I believe...

This election is not something that I am looking forward to as an agent. Don't get me wrong I believe that every man woman and child deserves equal access to healthcare. I'm not sure if I believe that anyone including individuals or businesses should be mandated to carry it. And I only think that because in this country everyone has a choice. But on the other hand it's those same people who are going to be a burden to society because they are only going to sign up for benefits when they need them and they will never seek preventative care.

The public system that Obama talks about is good in theory and literally impossible in practice. I do believe in guarantee issue, but what good is there to have that if all healthcare costs rise? It is literally criminal to charge what is charged for the simplest care. The healthcare costs are the true problem with every procedure being outrageous. So what do you do to lower costs? Or better stated, who do we decide is going to get a pay cut? Doctor's? I don't think they are the problem and I'm sure many are overburdened giving free care and trying to get their money from insurance companies. The healthcare companies? Perhaps, but how do you regulate a business and tell them how much money they should make? Who decides that? If companies were people they would have a conscience about how they treat people. But for companies, especially healthcare companies, it's not about how they treat people, people are beside the fact. People are only treated well for their money companies don't collectively care about anybody--they care about things like money.
Look at Exxon with more record profits this quarter while millions suffer paying outrageous gas prices, is it their fault? Sure, but they were doing what they were suppose to, a company made profit which is all that it is required to do, they don't give a damn about people. The only time 'cares' or listens to people is when the bottom line is threatened. Do I think windfall profits tax should be put back in place? Of course, but how can you really punish a company for making money? If they have broken laws or regulations to make that much money then reform those but it seems unreasonable to me to punish them for working a system that doesn't work. Fix the system.
So take out the word Exxon and put in any of the leading healthcare companies. They are making money off a need of society the product is unimportant and the people they are serving are unimportant. All that is important is that bottom line. What needs to be reformed is the system that allows crazy profits while people are paying more and getting less.
Of course reform and regulation just causes the companies to raise prices to cover the hassle of dealing with government and people. And of course the companies get use to making more money regardless of how they are inflating the price or the suffering of the people they supposedly serve.
What is the answer? Universal healthcare? I think lowering the actual costs of care is the start or giving some sort of incentive or breaks to companies that are not for profit. Making healthcare compete against eachother is another start, but not by pitting states individual plans/policies against others, everyone should have the same type care available that should be mandated. If there was one mandate of what policies should contain that is national would help. But again that would rise costs.

It's a circle, one that I can't solve with my piece of it. But I do believe that without lower costs of products and procedures we don't really have a good shot. It's easy to pass laws and mandates it's much more difficult to give companies a conscience to care and serve people.

I keep swinging...and another miss...shoot me

None of the leads purchased panned out, shoot me.

Another day...

Lack of sleep is making my mood cloudy to say the least, I think I'll go for a walk this afternoon try to clear my head and move my butt.

I've had a productive month with a few things in play but not enough to make me rich. HAHAHA. I had time today to send out faxes to our current clients and maybe followup if I can just get my head out of my ass. I'm always super confident when I start out but by the time I get around to making my first phone call I fall apart. Why is that?
I've got more experience now but it seems that my confidence always fails me. If I could get over the rejection I would pick up a lot of business. It's the fear but I'm gonna do it. I promise, I swear, alot.

I've got an enrollment meeting today that I've scheduled three times before. Can i hurt them now? I'm signing this 5 man group up for an HMO with a local insurance company here in town. I'm not crazy about this companies commission structure but I think I'll live--maybe. Basically when the premium total goes over $25,000 during a year it drops you down in commission. There is no incentive to give them more business. The only way to maintain your commission is to have a certain number of employees signed up, that sucks.
I find in this area if your willing to pay a little more and I do mean little for a small group you can get really excellent benefits. Todays plans are all about out of pocket but if you can get somebody a low out of pocket paying a little more in premium makes sense.
I'm really in love with Aetna's 1500 100%, what a great value, if you really look at it you should pick that before any of the other traditional plans with a low deduct.

I've got to start setting goals. I need to close 10 individual plans a month and do at least 4 groups of any size. That's my goal now I'll do it.

It's been well not busy but steady

I met some nice gentlemen at a Word and Brown event so kind and new to the business. It's so nice to meet some guys who are starting out and have that level of service minded ness that I admire. I should see them both again today.

The leads we paid for so far have not panned out, people are hesitating in this economy so it's tough. Instead I've been working on stuff handed to me by other agents in the office. If it wasn't for them I'd be starving. I guess you don't buy leads for easy closings you buy them to get your face infront of somebody.

I think I find my strength is making groups with the main employees and then finding the dep's policies for less under individual policies. I do find that I am taking over a lot of business on BOR I just want to make sure that it is the kind of business I can keep.

Where have I been?

First off the leads got me going, got me out there and finally got me some movement.

I've closed on a couple of small groups, dentist (all individual policies), car maker small group HMO and a storage unit business 3 people.

I've taken over on BOR several individuals, mostly I find that if you talk to people and ask for their business they will give it to you. Sometimes people don't want to move or can't move but that doesn't mean you can't give them good service. The dentist alone I wrote one child and took over two individual policies.

As for the leads, good and bad. It's easy to ask people for there business but sometimes to get them to send you info is crazy. I still haven't closed one of the deals if you can believe it. Two restaurant owners, one I want to take over on BOR and the other has 6 kids and no insurance. Two employees of a ink refill and one of them passed on there info to their mother. Another is a body shop with five employees and I am hoping to get the go ahead at the end of the month. I also had a nightclub owner but I can't get him to send me the info.

I don't plan on asking for any more leads until I finish with the one's I've got. I can't justify it without writing something.

This week I have one enrollment tomorrow of 4 tile setters who formally had union coverage. I'm highly tempted to try to build them some sort of massive package and spend every penny they are saving. But I won't. I've decided to write them with a local insurance company who I normally would never write with but because they need a high level of service I'd prefer to put them in the hands of a company that will hug and kiss them. The way they constructed their HMO's you can find something the same price or better than PPO or POS. These guys would not know what to do with themselves if I threw a high deduct plan at them. Benefits are baby steps.
On Friday I'll set up an enrollment meeting for our bailbonds gentlemen who has already told me that I had better answer my phone. I do answer my phone, I just wish he would never call. No actually I really like him and I think I would find it to be a real pleasure to deal with him. It's an eight person group that I'll be writing a 1500 one hundred percent plan. The benefit really made sense to this client. As for the dental I wrote it with the company that gave me several options.

I just hope even more is coming...

Exclusive leads...

I was shocked when my boss okay'ed these leads and when you work leads you need to have really good systems in place. I don't really have great easy to use programs put together to make my proposals look great.

First day I had 3 leads all appointments, one I couldn't get ahold of. The second I saw got info and I should be able to drop by on Monday of next week. The third was completely uninsurable.

Second day 4 leads, all call backs, one had no interest and sounded like a scared rabbit. Second wanted info, third I called will call back in the morning. The fourth stepped out of the office, we'll see on that one. **Just called him I'll send him the info for 5 or 6 employees they are with Anthem.

Brain dead...

My brain hurts...

I've been working on a group policy for a dentist for a while and in the end, it's a nightmare. I can see most of the group being uprated for stuff you have no idea was gonna happen. Next year, I'm gonna stick them on a group.

In any case don't believe anybody when they tell you they have no medical conditions---they lie! You ask someone, so your healthy right? Oh sure! Then when they hand you the form they want to ask you a question and you realize they LIED to you! And they don't want to tell health insurance company anything personal about themselves-fyi their medical condition.

I sent in 3 filled out applications today, to Aetna and one to Anthem! Yesterday I got a teeth cleaning and one BOR from Anthem. Life is good.

You complain when you can't close and then you complain when you do. What the hell?

What else is on my plate?

A two man group not new moving to Aetna, I'll be putting the daughter on an individual policy so that it lowers the tier to employee plus spouse.

A two man group car assemblers which might not make it thru underwriting until we're sure that they qualify as a grow they are a little new.

I have to follow up on a two man HMO we stuck in place earlier this year that might come apart, it's last on my list cause it's something I share.

I have several follow ups on individual coverage.

I'm tired and I want chocolate.

My son's birthday!

My beautiful first born is 3 today!
I have little or no memory of his birth, it was a difficult delivery and there was a great deal of stress. I do know that he was beautiful and that every day since with him has been wonderful. I could do without his ability to throw up at every trauma.
I'll be headed over to his father's after work with a small cake(real small) to celebrate with him.

As for work, things are going well but(isn't there always one), I find myself distracted working on marketing. I sent out a group (2-man) but they may have a tough time because they haven't been in business long.
Another group which I only discovered the other day is in underwriting preview. We'll see but I have a feeling they will be uprated significantly.

Next month I'll have been at this agency for a year and I must say that this is one of my very best work experiences. I'm tired of looking for a home, I like this home and I'm determined to stay. The one thing I can say about insurance is that with health I could go independant and still make a living going direct. But I like everyone I work with though I wish I could work exclusively from home (maybe some day!).

I was online last night making my house payment and looked over some bank property online and found my dream home, it's four beds and three bathrooms. It was 5 thousand less than what I have now. It's in a better neighborhood and looks modern. What a dream!

Nothing gets done...

I sometimes wonder about people.

So, I've been working on a marketing proposal for our agency. I think it would be good if we could order some plain doorhangers and print our own different doorhangers in english and spanish. And then have Aetna and Anthem print some generic agency flyers.
We should also be starting some telemarketing soon, because I think they've finally figured out that I'm not a producer who just goes out and sells. I need some base. I also think if I'm going to do property and casualty I'm going to pick an industry. I think my boss would like something like auto dealers but I really can't stand them. I'd prefer restaurants and bars because I have some background in those.
I'd also like to cross sell rental insurance.

There are some many areas to our business, but I must say that I enjoy the individual (somtimes), and the under 10 group market. Groups under 50 are great for commission but a pain in service.

I've submitted a group for underwriting review, a small company out of Carson City that I'll have to work damn hard to finish. Also I have another two man auto assemblier but now they seem to have cooled.

I did speak with a client about DI today but I think he was shocked by the rates. He said he'd keep me in mind, I'll keep him mind too because when I called he was on the other line with his doctor. Not a great sign, huh?

Adding a new blog...

I decided to add a new blog with all the info that I've put together for my area.
Also I'm going to post interesting articles and links that I come across.

As for me lots of new things...and not.

I have two 2-person groups that I should submit by the end of the week. I'm so productive!
Also I should have info on an 8 man group hopefully by Friday. I also have a 5 man I'm waiting for info on.

The first two man was the one I had issues with pre existing conditions. So I confirmed that to get around that is to sign them up with an HMO, I'm not sure if that will work with individuals but I know it does on groups. They went on vacation (what's that?) and I should have two completed applications by Thursday and then the client and I will finish the finale paperwork. I also want to BOR her children's current policy and add the spouse on to it.

The second two man/woman is a current client that I had no idea existed until I found their bill in our billing. They renew on 10/1 and they wanted to get away from the carrier we stuck them on a month before I joined our agency. So I ran the quotes with the info I had and then spoke with the client. Well come to find out there was a guy who worked mostly on Life around the time I joined the agency and he brokered this deal. So I told the client that I would handle that and to go ahead and take a look at the quotes. I let my boss know but she said the other agent was not current with us. So then I got a call from the other agent and he wanted to stay involved which I responded that he would need to talk to my boss. So my boss said she had no contact with him and to simply ask the client to stay with us. And I did. She was concerned about some info she'd been given about pre existing conditions. I cleared that up and she was ready to stay with us.

On a personal life note, two kids in college, one kid in senior year of highschool and one in fifth grade. Money is beyond tight and I'm hoping for a miracle. My boys are growing and growing but now I don't seem to have five minutes to myself when I get home. I can't wait for them to grow up.

Moving things around..

I've got a client I never knew about, a small group health policy and then I found out it was smaller now than a year ago. Lovely, I barely get them and now they shrink.

I've got another group that one of the members has a pre existing condition and it's almost impossible to avoid it. I'm thinking that when I worked at the dreaded HHP that we didn't clear pre-ex for those groups going on HMO groups..I wonder if that's the way around it.

I've got phone calls to return but I'll have to do it after lunch. I need more hours in the day.

I'm still considering a lead company and doing some marketing in town. We'll see.

What I do...

I think it's important to state what I'm about, which is helping people. I don't know if with that attitude you can still make money but I hope that at least I can help people.

I'm not into selling myself. I will work for someone and make a connection but I won't beg or plead to make money.

I've spent many hours this month going over statements to make sure that I'm being compensated for my many months of struggle. I love what I do and I do believe that what I do is a good way to make a living.
No matter what happens with the health insurance market I feel that group will continue. I have no idea if my party and the evil party understand or care about what I do, they probably think the agents and brokers are part of the problem.

My car dealership is a headache that will never end. Dealing with folk who don't understand or care what they are doing. I'm always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt but when you really think people stink it's hard. I went to the dealership to make sure an application that had been filled out incorrectly several times was filled out correctly. The gentleman was concerned because he'd been using the insurance and had claims that had not been addressed. I was not sure that we could add on the children that were not mandated by the NMSN. And I told him so, but I also told him that I would do everything I could to make sure the kids were taken care of. I made a promise that i wasn't sure I could keep which was that I would call him today with the answer if all his kids were covered.
Eventually yes the kids were covered, so we have to resubmit the claims which is fine.
I just feel that with all the work I've done I really do wish my commission was higher, but I'll live. My boss is concerned that we are going to end up literally running their HR department, due to the lack of experience of their benefits person.

Lots to worry about. I'll fix it next week. Right.

Feast or famine...

I've decided that if I can get my behind learning I can actually make some money doing this job.

I just love being busy but you wonder if by being busy you actually make any money.

I've got lots of stuff on my plate, but I'm unsure if any of it will come to anything. Health is tough you want to help people and get them what they need but Nevada is tough the people who need it the most are the one's least likely to get the help.
I've got a few leads that I'm working but who knows.

On a life front I've got two kids (nieces) in college now and my nephew is in his senior year. I'm so proud of all of them and I realize that all that I've done for them will enhance their dreams. It's my job to live my dreams but knowing that you helped someone reach a place in their lives where they can be or do anything is so wonderful.

Too bad their brats.

My two babies are wonderful, R my oldest seems to be as loving and wonderful as ever. He loves his little baby brother, A with hugs and kisses all over him. It's great, now if I only made a few thousand more a month.
The child support finally arrived but was spent on diapers and formula before I really could figure out what to do with it. In the next few weeks I'll be opening a savings account for them so that they can have some sort of nest egg.
As for their father, my ex, we're sorting things out. I don't think I could ever live with him full time but sometimes it's nice to have someone to cuddle with. He's continuing to have health problems, right now his teeth which are in really bad shape. I think he needs to have them all pulled and have dentures put in. I don't care, when you care about somebody it's not about the physical it's about the healthy.

Rib cook off is this weekend and I want to go so bad!

I just wish I was rich...

I'm figuring out my commission statements, I think I should have taken some classes in accounting. Everything is just blah to me and then I look at the figures and things only begin to make sense. It's not important to anyone but me.

I've got a couple of things out right now, nothing to write home about. I'd love to close at least 2 groups a month and 5 individuals/families a month. We'll see.

Getting by...

I've been putting together all my commissions and finding out that I've got a good single check coming my way, that is if my bosses don't dock me extra. I'm going to keep being paid in other aspects for a while just until I can get on my feet. It would be wonderful if I could just make a measeley little $2500 a month. I could actually make a living.

I think that amount is a few months away but if I can make some headway into this amount I'd be happy.

Getting my commissions paid to me has been an issue, I've had to resolve all of the issues myself. I just wanted to make sure that I was getting the full amount due each month. On the whole individual policies pay better and let's face it if you want coverage you have to pay on time. But getting my commission in a hit or miss variety does not help.
So far my biggest account is already a month behind. I had to follow up today and make sure that the one gentlemen who has never been added is added.

I really want this whole thing finished. Oh, no it's time to go home.

Okay...

So I'm more awake now and it look like tomorrow is the day I'll meet with my boss.

I'm a little concerned, of course. I'm going to really try and get things moving now. I love this job because I do have the ability to make good money and still have a life.

I'd like to primarily do health and group if I can. I don't mind doing the individual but the servicing is kind of a pain. I think that doing some P&C is going to be good for me. I mean that's where the real insurance is at. You can live and die with a decent wage doing P&C especially with some background in it.

I've got some to do with the health but it's so hard to close and get stuff in place. I think that a couple of car and home policies that I can keep up with will make it all worth my while.

I'm a little worried about doing the P&C but I think if I can figure out a way to do it especially in my neighborhood I'll be able to make a decent living.

Back to work/exhausted

I'm back and I'm exhausted.
I now know why coffee was invented, I don't drink it but I get it. Stimulants are really a new mommies best friend. So I just had half of a caffeine pill, I could have taken left over diet pills but I'll try the caffeine first.

A part of me feels overwhelmed like there is so much to do that I don't care what else happens. I've just got to refocus.

I'm so ready...

Okay so I'm ready to go back to full time work on Monday.

I've got several issues to go over with my boss and I think if I can get most of them addressed I should be able to increase my take. Due to accounting my paychecks are at the mercy of our clients paying on time. I think if I can get paid twice a month I'll be able to make more of an impact.

In speaking with my sister I found out that she has some blank door hangers which I will be able to print on and send out. I've decided to go ahead and have another phone line setup so that I can have my sister answer the phone in spanish for me and take down some info and take some notes. I think the extra phone may be worth it in the end. I'd like to make door hangers for those in my neighborhood. I can make one side in spanish and the other in english, also my sister thinks I should get headshots done. I'm not convinced on that part. I've never thought that my face could sell anything. I'd rather show an interesting picture than an icky photo of me. Well, let's see how it goes.

We agreed to disagree....

My ex and I had mediation the other day and it went well just as I expected. He was belittling and I just kept my calm and rose above it. He wants every other week custody and I want to maintain our current every other weekend. We agreed on some basics and fought over the primary physical custody. Hello courtroom drama.

I took him the children this afternoon and I was prepared to leave him with the new baby but he freaked out. He never touched R until he was a year old, never made him a bottle or changed a diaper--at all ever. So he wanted to die. So I stayed and got a great little tidbit of news.

He also found at that the money that is currently being taken out of his check is actually going to the state of Arizona. I tracked down several phone numbers for him but basically he's screwed. I will print him some info, but what it really means is that I won't be getting any money any time soon. I'll have to tell my sister at some point but this is gonna kill her. I'm so sick of this. I'm so disappointed that my kids are gonna suffer. I just don't want to think about all this.

Things are just never gonna work out.

I think i'm in love....

Well, I've been off the boards for a few days, having a baby does that to you and then I found a great resource. Let's face it I need a few leads and I'm willing to invest some cash in them.

So, I think for a two hundred bucks a month I could have quality leads for health. Let's face it if I can close one or two, then they can pay for themselves. I think it's a good idea to invest in myself, I need the leads and to work them. I'd love to be able to make some appointments and have my boss accompany me and if she can get the other lines of business then we're looking good.

I'd really prefer to only do group, but at this point I'll take anything. I'm going to go back and do p&c for the money and then market the health on the side mostly from inhouse leads. But if I can get to the point where I can afford the $200 a month then I can really do well. I need to make a living and this job has the potential to make me a lot of money. I've got to get my income to a consistent basis, if I can strike a deal with my bosses so that my money comes in as it comes in, instead of dealing with a once a month deal. Currently the other agents are being paid twice a month and I'd like the same deal, it's better for me and my bills.

I do plan to try to get some part time work or at least do ebay for a while to get some more income. What I really wish is that I could find a position that would allow me to make a few hundred a month/week.

There is suppose to be money from child support coming in soon but I'd really hate to count on that. My ex has been ill lately and you can't really expect support from someone who is barely holding on. It would help in the short term to pay the baby's bills which have yet to arrive. I'm a little worried to open those bills.
I've had my sister doing the bills while I've been in my last trimester just because I couldn't handle the pressure anymore but I need to take those reins again. I'm ready to take back that responsiblity. Of course, I'll need to change all my passwords and that will be a pain. My sister is wonderful, but it's important for me to put things in their place.

As for my ex, I'm not sure how things are going to work with him. We have our meditation on Tuesday and it looks like I'll be alone for this one. I think it's important to have my standards for the kids. I want A and R to be with me, if I have to give up more time with them then it might be best to stay with his father. It's so hard to give up R every other weekend and it's comforting to have A with me for now. I'm simply not ready to give my ex more time than he already has with him.

I need to sleep, somehow I don't think it's gonna happen again tonight.

Getting stronger...

This was the first day I almost felt like my old self. In the morning I got up and did stuff, mostly laundry and working on my closet. I'm scared of my weight right now, I've lost very little weight and I was hoping to be down more than 15 pounds by now. I don't want to have to go buy a new wardrobe but if I can't get within 20 pounds of my goal weight then I'll have to go get some stuff.

'A' is growing and growing, he sleeps, eats and poop's. I'm in love with him of course but until they really understand what's going on it's kinda boring. I will be back at work and it seems like that moment when they become interesting passes me by.
My two year old is adjusting and it was kinda nice to send him to his father this weekend because I know he'll get the individual attention he needs and deserves. I just love him so much that when he's with his dad I feel like my arm is missing. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give 'A' up to his dad for visits, it's just too hard.

I have mediatation next week, my ex and I haven't discussed anything I think it will be a stalemate. I'm able to live with our current arrangement but he wants equal time and that would be a nightmare to pull together.

I'm hoping this will work out.

Castor Oil does work....

Saturday nite I decided that I needed to free the baby from my womb, I couldn't eat sleep or do anything else that didn't feel like I was dying.
So I took a big gulp of castor oil with a warm coke chaser, yuck!
At ten I started to get contractions, I was laying on my side so I kinda ignored it. But when I started to stand up and get them I started to get concerned by eleven I was sure I needed to have it checked out by a pro and we got ready and headed out. By the time I was dressed and stuff was in the car, the contractions were getting very uncomfortable. Before I'd let us leave I had to walk off a contraction around the car. We parked in the wrong place at the hospitial and then we made it inside I was at the desk at midnight and ready to check in. By the time I got into the room, I was in agony. It didn't take long before I was begging for an epidural and somebody was having a c-section so I didn't get priority for that. So they waited a while, while I'm screaming to give me some weak iv meds which did not work. I waited over an hour screaming and breathing for the epidural. I was crazy with pain, I just kept screaming and begging.
By the time the epidural came I was unable to be coherent, I was also bleeding but I don't think we ever figured out what that meant. I had the nurse hold me up while the needle went in. As soon as that took effect I was fine.
I have no idea how long it was but for a while I got comfortable and they broke my water. I told the nurse I felt no pain and very little pressure so if they wanted me to push I'd be happy to do so. She seemed surprised. So the doctor came in and three pushes and he was out.

So basically it was a great quick labor, I could have done it quicker with a speeder epidural but whatever now.

So A is beautiful, looks like my ex which he jokenly said he didn't. Whatever.

I've been home for a day and I'm exhausted and still trying in vain to sleep. The first night was okay, no sleep lots of baby awakeness. Also having a two year old awake at various times of the night was no help.

I'll join the world tomorrow, maybe.

Heat, heat and more heat...

We had a brown out in my neighborhood this afternoon which kept the fans from working and in my still current state it meant even more discomfort. It got so back I asked my ex if he had power, he was out on a call and had no idea. The idea of laying on his bed in all that air conditioning has great appeal. But it came back on a hour ago and I'm content to do nothing.

At this stage your so uncomfortable that your beyond any help. I can't seem to find any relief. I get more and more desperate for relief but there is none. I'm not good at waiting and I have so many other pressures that I don't want to spend one more minute in my current state.

I'm sure that in a week or so, I'll forget all this but I'm thinking not. This is the last baby, that's for sure.

My niece has been approved by Aetna and she'll start her medical and dental policy at the beginning of September. I'm hoping it will all work out.
I haven't checked my voicemail or email for work for a few days and I'm hoping to avoid it until after the baby is born.

Tired but not sleeping...

Sleep is something I seem to do during the day but a night my mind races and I seem to not even consider sleeping. Also I can't find my sleeping pills, but that's okay I will just make sure I take my anti-anxiety and hope I'll sleep.

This pregnancy has been marred by indegestion and nausea. I can't wait to have my body back. A part of me wants to run away from everything and everyone once the baby is born while another wants to just cuddle my babies and nest.

Another torturous day with my over eighteen nieces, they seem to want to drive me completely mad. I've never known what pure entitlement was like. I was raised with money and when I was their age I had no money. It changed me and made me a better person. But I think I've made the cardinal mistake of parenting, which is to tell your children how wonderful they are and to never prepare them for the realities of life. That's the biggest injustice that you can do to your kids. They've always succeeded they've known some bad moments but in the end they've always gotten ahead. If there was ever anything they've really ever needed we've gotten it for them. And to a certain extent it's made them feel entitled to only the good and best.
I've done this to them. They think they have the right to tell me what's beneath them. That's the theme with them. None of us are princesses but I've raised two and one prince. I feel like such a failure.
It's as if everything I had to do to keep a roof over their heads was just somehow worth nothing to them. It makes me so sad I just wish that maybe I had kept a little more for myself. I think it's wrong for me to give them anything now.
I understand what tough love is now. It's really is about making the other person see that it's not all about them. I'd like to make them more responsible and accountable. But their mother is so afraid of losing them that she won't back me up on this one.
I just feel like such a failure. I've created monsters who will saddle me with grand like children who are gonna grow up wild, rich and entitled. Sounds great.

Home today...

Finally got the sign off on my small two person group that I got from another agent who'll share the commission with. I'm still not sure if he is going to remain with the agency but I do hope he will because he's at least working.

It's been a stressful day, my poor niece's car was leaking fuel from the gas intake but we managed to get it home. It may have simply been an overfilled gas tank. The car is a nightmare with everything wrong with it. My hope is that eventually we will be able to replace it with something slightly updated.

After being turned down for a credit card I decided to go ahead and ask my sister to pay off several of my medical bills. I have no idea when I will be able to pay her back but I couldn't deal with being in collections. I feel like I have done at least this much for her and it's nice to have her pay me back. But it's hard for her after suffering for so long with no credit at all to have her credit suddenly get sucked away. I will do everything I can to make that change.

Last stressful thing was my ex, I had tried to call him this morning to see how he was doing but he didn't answer. So then I called tonight close to sun down and found out he'd picked up his meds but had no food in his place. I rushed over and bought him some food to tide him over until he is paid. I don't know what more to do for him. I'm cash poor and credit poor but I used the last few dollars I had to pay for some frozen dinners and some cranberry juice.
I don't know what to do with him. I made him some soup before I left and cried useless tears. I may have even said I loved him but I don't think it was true. What do you say to someone who is so clearly in bad shape?
My sisters complaint is that I have compassion for him but he doesn't return it. I can only counter with that compassion is not something that you can expect to be returned. All I can really do is do what I can for those who need me and hope that I can sleep at night. Now I know he's fed, I can sleep.

My son is asleep next to me, he didn't nap today and he's passed out with a bottle in his mouth. I'm waiting for my dinner and then I will follow him.

I am so glad this day is nearly over.

More stress...

I received a phone call from my ex who took our son to Six Flags this weekend and I was shocked to discover he's sick again. My son is stuck 3 hours away with a guy who should be in a hospitial and here I am at night unable to go save the day.

I'll have my sister go in the am to get him if he is unable to make it home himself.

He's sick complaining he's poor and he's got my kid with him. I think he will probably make it home but I need to borrow some cash from my mother to get him to a doctor and get him med's. I could just kill him but that wouldn't be smart right?

I'm almost nine months pregnant and I'm more worried about him and his illness then having this baby I'm pregnant with. I guess deep down I feel like he has no one. He came to live with me and that I disappointed him and I have to keep saving him. Trust me if I made more I'd never ask him for a penny of child support but I don't have that luxury.
If I don't get him to the doctor he'll miss work and then he won't be able to give my kid a penny. Not that I've gotten one.
Why can't he see that having a family, people who love you is not the worst thing? If he was alone he'd be screwed stuck in a hotel room with my kid and he could be dead. He has no idea how much we all need family. I think if he does end up needing to be picked up I will try to reach his parents. He's ill, he's been in the hospitial and somehow they need to know.

My sister is of course upset, it feels like it's with me but she immediately offered to go and save him. I wish I could go but I can't. If I were to go into labor in the middle of nowhere what would we do?
I'm more worried about him and my kid then I could possibly be about myself. I know that if something happens to me that I'll have my family but if something happens to them?
I feel helpless and useless, if I had the cash and the body I'd be in Vacaville now.
Fingers crossed.

quotes are in...

Okay so not all of them are in, my local cardealership numbers are in and they rated them a 1.0 which is insane. The other quote with my previous employer was less than crazy it matched and exceeded their current rate--hahaha! So I spoke with my boss and he was sure we weren't gonna move them until next year.

I also got a quote for our agency but it was expensive to say the least. I'm waiting for Aetna, I'm hoping it will come first thing in the morning. I can only hope for the sake of those in office who need good coverage that we can do something for our group that will make my bosses happy and at the same time help those who really need it. Fingers crossed, again.

I got my first renewal for my first dental case, it went up a total of less than 2 bucks. You sure don't mind showing that to a client.

I've got a painter, no info yet.
I've got a tileman, no info yet.
I've got a construction company, no return contact yet.

The dentist, no word yet I've given my boss the quotes to present.
The property management deal, they need to sign off on the higher rate and it will be done.
My nieces policies are filled out and in but one of them I had to change the effective date. So I'll submit her in a couple of weeks. The other? No word yet.
My son's policy is in place.

I really want to do a fax blast soon to the remainder of the contacts I have. I have gotten some buzz just no business.
I'll make a marketing flyer for all the different businesses we do and try to blast or mail on them. I really do think we should plow the land we have, no with coldcalls but with info.

I'm really looking forward to doing home, auto, rental and motorcycles when I get back. I'd really like to get a cellphone that my sister can man that is pure quotes in spanish. I can have her take down the info and set up appointments for me. If I can get enough of them I can write a lot of policies. I can hit my neighborhood and really post my number and get the policies from marketing myself as local in their neighborhood. Real doorhangers would be perfect. I can get my kids to really do marketing after school and on the weekends.

Now if I can only drop this baby...

In continuing life drama, I cancelled a meeting with a mediatator because I'm unsure if I will be available to sit and come up with a parenting plan. Especially when I'm not sure if and when I'm going to give birth. A reasonable excuse?
So, I should I throw caution to the wind and plan on being there just to make my ex happy?
But luckily I found a great parenting plan template from the state of Alaska that allows you in a word doc to pick and choose options for free. We'll see how it goes.
My ex was as compassionate as ever screaming at me when I informed him of the change after all he'd been waiting a whole two months! So screaming at the pregnant lady is gonna help right? If he can't be compassionate enough to give me a break when I'm pregnant does anyone really think that sitting infront of a meditator is gonna help? He already said that he didn't want mediatation that he wanted 50% custody. So it's all in vain.
I've tried and will continue to try to be reasonable but I'm tired of getting yelled at for trying to keep open the lines of communication. He calls me names and then he thinks it's just fine to ask me for money.
All I want is for him to have reasonable visitation with his sons and leave me alone. After that who really cares? To him it's all about winning and losing and the actual parenting is more about feeding him pizza and going to see monster trucks. He doesn't see the grind of it.

I can't wait...

I think in order to keep myself amused I'll develop a sort of sales goal for myself each month. I'd like to start out slow with health 5 individual and 2 groups each month. That could be an additional $200/$300 per month in commission. It would be interesting for me to do that my first month out.

I have no experience in P&C but I think if I do that plus the health I should be able to survive pretty quickly. The gentlemen who has joined our office has little interest in sitting behind a desk all day waiting for auto and home to come in. I'll have to spend some time marketing but that's what my niece's and nephews are for. I think car signs, sandwich boards, hitting apartments and businesses near my work are what I should do. After that I think some english and spanish newspapers. But I'm not sure what future of health is so I need to have a strong strength in auto and home because we all know everyone needs that.

I have no crystal ball for the future of Individual health insurance, I believe intensely that the government has a fundamental obilgation to make sure that all americans have access to the best quality healthcare. That may go against most in my profession but I do believe it. You can never justify what happens in this state the lack of good healthcare to those who really need it is the worst kind of tragedy. I'd prefer to never make a penny off people's misery. I've come to believe that if I cannot help then why hinder.

I think that group health insurance will go nowhere it will become tougher, because let's face it if GI is going to become a reality, it may never make sense to go with group for some.

In non-preachy updates, our agencies healthcare update should come in tomorrow, I'm not holding my breath.
Also I received a quote from my old employer for my car dealership and the rates were exactly what I expected. High and higher. I'm gonna pull together a spread sheet showing them the rates. They have to be max rated. The starting rates look good but reality is that this group will be uprated.
Tomorrow I should have the Aetna rates for both groups. I'm going to be very interested in seeing how that ends up.

No baby take two...

Woke up Sunday feeling fine but completely exhausted. Later that evening my stomach turned and I was vomiting for the rest of the night. I couldn't keep anything down, even water and then the contractions came but nothing came of it. I ran a small fever and called the doctor, they just advised me to get the liquids in and if the contractions became more consistent then start to worry.
I hate this time, waiting and waiting. I hate surprises.

My son also threw up last night, no warning just a volcano next to me. My sister blamed his eating but I'm reserving judgement until I'm sure he's fine. His father, my ex is suppose to pick him up this evening but I'm worried the illness might continue. I'd like to stay home with him today but I'm unsure.

I'm really trying to wind down even more work wise, I'm just so tired and I want to make sure that things that I can do are put to bed. I need to stay close to home. I do not want to go into labor while I'm work.

No baby yet...

I woke up this morning feeling like crap which is normal but in a good mood, which is rare. I'm so looking forward to this birth, okay not the labor but those moments after the baby comes and holding and kissing him.
And now my energy seems up which is strange because I haven't eaten I have no urge to eat, the urge to eat is usually just nausea on the brink of sickness.
In more good news, the baby has a middle name and his initials will be ARG, I'm so happy that this is finally done! I feel like his father and I trully picked the names together this time, he agreed on the first name and then picked out the middle name himself. I wish I had a man who actually wanted to share this whole making a family thing with. We just have different ideas of family, I need mine and he doesn't. I just couldn't take being with him the rest of my life and being controlled by him and his worthless opinions. It's so funny that I have managed to live most of my life without his criticism but now he thinks that I need him. Oops no!

I think his father held off picking a name in hopes that I would change my mind and let him attend the birth, never ever will that happen.

I just took a walk, which I never do and took my castor oil afterwards. I'm hoping it will work this time. I have to say that chilling the castor oil actually didn't do anything for me, I almost gagged. So I'll take it out before I take it again. I don't mind the whole running to the bathroom thing. I went to the bathroom last night so all I've got is liquid in my system.

I'd love to do this under a doctor's supervision but of course they want a hellish amount of to go see them again. I can't afford it, bills are just too high.
Unfortunately I've applied for a credit card and I'm hoping that I can get enough credit to put all my bills on it and then I can just pay it off slowly. I'm willing to combine the baby bills and the one regular credit card I have and just stop with that.

I just wish I could get more clients and just get my financial future together. I could be really well off for the next few years if I can just get it together.

Castor oil...

Well on the baby front, I tried castor oil yesterday. The taste was not that bad, sort of like some sort of nut oil, like cashew oil and it was a little warm but i'm going to put it in the refrig and I think it'll be fine. But after cleaning out my system nothing happened for an hour or more and then I got some pretty cool contractions. They lasted for about 45 minutes and hurt a little but let's face it I'm not far enough along so it was just a good false alarm. It was a good experiment, that I repeat until I have achieved success!

Oh the work front, I've sent out my local car dealership deal out again for bid and I really don't want to move them. So, I'm hoping the rates will come back crazy high. But the overall make up of the group has changed. The two individuals who made my life hell in underwriting are gone. So, Aetna and my former employer are up, my former employer is over priced but we'll see what happens with those over priced bastards.

The dentist group, I ran StMarys, Aetna, Anthem and out of the three Aetna's almost makes sense. Anthem kills me they have super decent deduct's and crazy plans outside of that. So you could have a decent plan as long as you want zero prescription. So, in order to get decent prescription plan you have to pay a couple hunderd extra per person. I was not impressed.
So, we might end up putting the group on Aetna, and putting the dependants on individual policies but there are no savings, not really. We had tried to put them with Best but that fell through when the rates were out of range. I just don't see it happening. The group because it's dental is already uprated and then to add on their medical they're max rated. If I can get them on a plan, it will be around $2000 to $3000 a month in premium, which could be around $70 bucks a month to me.

The property management group that I got thru the independant agent is almost ready to go. The father/owner decided to add on his daughter which is an additional $400 in premium. I tried to convince him to go with an individual policy similar to the $92 a month policy I'm carrying but no luck. Sometimes you can just tell that people want it done and money is not the issue. So hopefully it will be place tomorrow. Not a great money gig for all the work I've done, but I didn't have to prospect it.

As for our agency, I sent out our health to bid as well, we're with my former employer and have a decent little discount with them but it will be very difficult to pass due to one agents medical. I'm hoping it will all wash out. It's going to be hard, everything is age weighted which it makes it look even worse. I have some hope with Aetna, but I figured out Stmarys and it looked pretty bad.

I will be setting up my boss' Aetna producer log in tomorrow and set it up so that I have good access and won't have to be the 15th on the list for info.
Also I finally got my niece's signed up for Aetna coverage, who knows if they will make it but if not Assurant will be my next option. I love my girls.

I also made sure that my home and auto, commission comes to me each month and not the agency.

I feel like I'm building my book little by little.

If I can get to the point where I'm making around $2000 a month in commission I'll be fine. If my ex ever pays child support then I should be good until I can get the commission to $3000 a month. Once I'm there, I'll be able to support my expensive habit of food, home and babies.

I'm hoping this weekend I'll be in the hospitial and delivering this baby and then I should be at work full time in August.

I just wish I could sleep.

I fear I'll have to...

change the name of this blog when I'm pregnant no more.

I've had few work challenges but lots of life one's.

Work has been great, I mean I love my clients but people don't answer or return phone calls. I need to just move on with some. I mean lots of other agents know how to do that. But I think I need to just detach and go with the good. I find serious clients sign the bottom line quickly.

So I'm working on the dental doctor's group, and to tell you the truth pulling this group together is not pleasant. I just don't see how I can beat their really good rates with individual policies and still give them good coverage.
I have a tile guy who sold his business and I'm trying to get the new owner coverage on 8/1 hopefully he'll call me tomorrow and I can pull the info together and get him some quotes. No serious hope there.
It will be three months and no commission from BL, okay, so I understand that my car dealership folk haven't paid on time in the last 2 months. But I mean if I was on commission I'd be starving literally. I mean you give them service and you hope they'll pay their bills.
The car dealership in ID is paying commission on Friday it will be for June and July so for me it will be $500 and half that per month which is nice. I still need to move them, but they take so long to do anything. It pisses me off.

Life stuff...
Well, for some unknown reason my ex's employer has begun deducting money from his check eventhough there is no order yet to do so. So he has been hounding me to give him money back, money I havent and won't receive for at least 2 months. But there he is screaming he won't have a place to live and how it's all my fault.
So he decided to move across the street into a normal apartment and try to live the life of normal folk. We'll see, because he'll need first and last and then the deposit.
I guess the part that gets to me is that he writes me email after email trashing me and calling me selfish and horrible things. He blames me for everything. And then he wants money.
Once he got his rent paid, thru his knowledge of ice machines he was fine.
He took our son for the weekend and all was well.
Then the next night I get an email and starts his normal crap telling me that we should be together and that we could have a great life together, blah blah blah.

I don't get that, if I'm a selfish person, lazy and self centered as he screams to the high heavens. If I am these things then why do you want to be with me? I just don't get that.
Your so horrible, nasty and yucky--be with me forever?

I just think he's scared, I'm not. I've always been manless in a romantic way. I have my kids those are my focus.
I did write to him before he got his rent paid that I didn't think it was fair that he call me every name in the book while I'm pregnant and vulnerable. But I'm the selfish one!

I just feel so empty with him, he doesn't give me the basic stuff you need to make a relationship work. Where's the respect? Affection? Love? Kindness?
The reality of him isn't pleasant. I won't stay with somebody who makes me want to crawl up into a fetal position each time he is in the room. It affects our son, he can see that his father doesn't respect his mother and he responds to it. How can I let our son see that day after day?
I was never happier then when my father was not around my mother. She was just a better person without him. But like me she clung to the idea of keeping the family together and not fessing up to what was true.
We are tied to our kids that doesn't mean we have to be a disfunctional unloving couple. I don't need him for anything not really. Our only connection is physical and let's face it, it's not enough to really get sad about. I wish I could keep that with him but it's not fair to either of us.

The only good solution is a clean break but we're both complete wimps. Neither of us is very good at breakup's, but I just don't think he can change. And I just won't settle for what little he offers and how empty he makes me feel.

I've told him he won't be at A's birth, my sister is afraid I'll change my mind. After the way he treated me last time, no fear there. I dont think she has a clear understanding of how awful our relationship is and was at that time. It doesn't make any sense.

I've told myself that I won't make any decisions about my relationship with my ex, but really there is no decision to make. I'm just putting off the truth.

Happy Fourth!

It's a smoky but beautiful day outside but I'm stuck inside, while the family is at the Lake having fun in the sun. I trully considered going with them but there is no way that I could be in an uncomfortable chair longer than five minutes. But the baby is there happy to play in the sand all day.

Thursday was a short day at work and it seemed like forever until I could get to work. I stayed until closing which was at 3pm which worked for me. I had to go by the Property Management company i've been working with to pick up some forms and give them back their check. I found them a good Aetna deal HMO no less.

On a less positive note, my ex finally got his first indication of how much child support was going to be removed from him. I got several emails calling me names and then telling me he needs money. He's still trying to get back together with me. So he claims he'll be on the street in two weeks, my fault of course. Our child is almost three years old and he has never given me a dime in support and if he'd have offered a reasonable amount then we trully would not be in this spot. I'm torn I don't want the father of my kids on the street but we're talking about a guy who's never once asked about how I'm doing or had any compassion for anyone but himself and our kids. And every email he sends is filled with hate and the blame game but then he says we are good together and he wants money. I'm in such turmoil, even my mother agrees I should give him some food at least. I just wish it was all over.

I'll be taking my niece to work next week if only to get her out of the house.

Playing well with others...

I was suppose to meet with a group that we were trying to effective 7/1/08, but I'm working with someone else's lead and it's tough cause I would have had this wrapped up but he got involved. So in any case i'm doing this at his speed not mine.
I want to get this in force as quickly as possible but when your at the mercy of others, your screwed.

I had a dentist group a couple of months ago and the medical on them really sucked so we had to abandon their group policy attempt. So in any case, I resubmitted it to other carriers and I'm hoping to have it in place by 8/1/08.

So here I am trying to stay at work as long as I can to make sure I don't miss anything but it's getting harder each day. I'm going to do everything I can to keep myself viable until the end.

Nothing changes...

Still working on my commission statement, I have to run down each and every person on it to make sure I get paid at some point.

Also the other gentlemen in our office who recenetly went from captive to independant is unhappy with his situation here.

2 man group...okay 2 person group...

I turned in app and check for a group that needs coverage 7/1/08, it looks unlikely that I will get anything for them until 8/1/08. That really sucks. And I don't like this insurer, they pay on a diminishing scale which means that they pay 10% in the first quarter and by the last quarter you get like ten cents. It really makes no sense. I avoid working with them whenever possible.

I haven't broken it to my insured just yet, I'm hoping that they will change their minds and just okay it for a 7/1/08.

My house is like an oven so staying at the office is the only way not to die of heat exhaustion.

New group...

Okay, so the two man group I was working on for the gentlemen in our office went well. We both went to the meeting and I guess my style is very upfront and business-ie. I bullshit a little but mostly I'm looking to help and go home. I'm hoping my current style is due to my large belly and not due to a lack of personality but who knows.
We ended up going with the HMO with a local hospitial based insurance company, not my former company but another that has lowered their max rate. When you maxed out everyone's rate and really looked at their plans, and took into account the groups medical then you have this group that will be paying out of pocket much less for HMO. I also suggested that they get individual policies for the dependants no point in paying $900 a month for them when they can pay $200 to $300 for nearly the same benefit.
I'll go by their place on Monday to pick up the check and hopefully we'll be in place by 7/1, fingers crossed.

Also I had a talk with my rep from Assurant and it looks like the lady I'd been working with who was on pain med's may actually get covered. Past her neck problems she's so healthy. I'm hoping this will work out for her since her Cobra payments are going up in August, I think.

On the homefront, the ex actually invited me to come for the weekend with the baby. But I look like a beached whale and feel worse. He had to put in a snide comment how I never invite him to do stuff with the baby during my time. I never go anywhere, we watch videos, he plays and swims in the pool. It's not exciting but it does not lend to invitations.
Also the baby has been made bald and to tell the truth I don't want to hear it from my ex, I was so mad, but I couldn't change what was done. I think he should spend as much time with the baby as possible but I'm not going to rearrange my life to make it happen.
Mostly I feel on the fence about him and I'll go thru short phase's where I'll miss him but mostly the stress of him kills me. I don't know what I'll do and I'm not gonna worry about it until the new baby comes. I'm 34 weeks now, so I'm thinking in two weeks my full time job will be to get this baby out. There is no point in carrying him two or three extra weeks so he can fatter and i'll get more uncomfortable.
I watch those birthing shows every weekday morning and I see all those supporting loving husbands and boyfriends so happy to be there not just for the birth of their child but to be there with their partner and share the moment. That's not him, I need that and want that and it will never happen.

Feeling better...

Okay so feeling better aided by caffeine and having something to do.

In any case, I'm still trying to get quotes for cardealership in W-town, got one today and it was pretty bad. The rates were no where near where they needed to be to make the change.
That quote came from my former employer and it made me laugh.

Still waiting for other quotes from other carriers, fingers crossed.

More work...

It took a caffeine pill to get me out of bed this morning, that's not as bad as a cup of coffee right?
All I know is that I needed it.

My car dealership wants a better prescription plan for their already in place for two months plan. The insurance company said no, shockingly. I could kill them I found a decent prescription plan that is supplemental for $20 a month and is similar to the plan they would have had if they had picked a better plan.

Also the same company has a division in W-town and I sent the quote out, but found out that my boss had already sent it to them. Obviously she'd received the renewal and not given it to me, when I could have gotten it done last month when I felt not better but at least not as big. So, I told the one that did respond to go ahead and email me the info instead of her. I hate that! So I sent it out to a large GA and the other large hospitial based insurance company in town. Looking at the renewal they are better off staying with their current carrier. That carrier is going to increase their premium of course! After all we had to move a sicky to that plan so the main deal in town didn't go south.
The only response did come from my old employer who let's just say isn't my favorite bunch of overpriced folks. I'm tempted to send the current info for the car dealership group telling them it didn't go thru and to put a price on it. I might just do that for fun....hm...
I made sure to do what my boss didn't which was give the quoters a good idea of the sucky medical they all have. I don't want them to quote me preferred when I know very well that one of them is on her last legs.

The other gentlemen in our office who went from captive to independant came to my desk complaining that the premiums are so much lower in independant. I tried to reason with him that he's re-writing existing business from his old book and to entice them of course your going to do it with lower premium's. He needs to get a better deal from our boss, he can't be expected to have the same kind of deal that I do. I told him that he should not be giving away so much of his commish since he has already done the work why share half with people who will do nothing for it? I'm not sure if he saw the logic or he's got more issues then I know about. He told me that they have fed him some leads but certainly not enough to justify what he's giving them. I told him it was just my opinion and then I left.
This gentlemen also asked me if I run a quote for a group and I said no, he claimed he'd given the boss the info a while back and now he needed it for a 7/1 start date. Thanks again!
So I put it out to the 2 local hospitial based insurance companies and the large GA we work with. They did have one quote for an HMO at $1400 for two people! I've got a group policy in place with 10+ and they pay close to $2900, that was the only option they were given.
Let's face it HMO is great but a dinosauer and it's just as rare. So in any case we'll see how it goes. I don't mind doing the quotes, gives me something to do.

My marketing plan this week is to get the 'free report' out to some real estate agents and see if anyone's interested. You never know who's looking for help!

Still no ideas on what I should do once this hellish pregnancy is over. I think I'll just learn the p and c part of the biz and strap myself to a desk, my other alternative is two kids at home under three. I don't think so.

Child support....

This subject is depressing...I've always been so self sufficent and able to take care of myself. I really hate the idea of this guy giving me money. Granted he helped make our son, but I find it humilating. When we really together, if I wanted any money I'd have to ask him. In a process similiar to squeezing blood from a stone.

I know that any additional income especially while I'm pregnant would be a god send but I can't seem to look at it like that right now.

Tired...

The weekend was spent at Six Flags and I came home exhausted completely unable to function in any meaningful way. The baby had a great time as usual and I faced a day in the sun baking and drinking water. Overall trip was successful but time with my ex was pretty normal, he's unable to be truly compassionte or sympatheic for more than a few moments.

I received a call from the District Atty's office and spoke with a court rep who told me that I could phone in my interview tomorrow. I assume my ex will be there at the court or perhaps he could phone it in as well. I'm not sure what is the reason for all this, I'd prefer to just get a judgement and start getting some assistance. I've ran some quotes for health insurance for our baby and it is quite reasonable but we'll see exactly what happens.

As for work, it's a struggle to get up each morning and most I just don't make. I've sent two faxes today and I feel like I've climbed a mountain. Two more weeks and it is okay for the baby to come out. Castor oil here I come.

Work

I finally went to work today, which usually means me there for ten minutes but not today.

I did some actual work, not the cardealership out of state, that's a dream I had which will never come true. Till next month?

So I had to finish a quote for a two person individual or group, let's face it if your perfectly healthy it's better to go individual but if you got some issues bite the bullet and go group.

We took over another two man group of an older gentlemen and his wife, but can't move them when they are four years away from medicare. I was suppose to make the meeting but due to my fatigue and stupity I didn't make it. He still wants his rich HMO with slightly different amounts.

I also got a lead from a our guy in CC and left a message, I ran two quotes, one Aetna and Anthem for some reason people will bow down to Anthem when they are on the most part not that great to work with and will give you tons of problems with claims.
I did get a phone call from one of my clients and I've got to get answers about his probationary period.

I feel good today and left right before five, which never happens.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appt he wants to see me every two weeks now which means we're in the final stretch. I wish I could figure all of this out including the child support before the baby is born. My ex is threating to move to CA which will do nothing to bring us and our little family together. But maybe it's a good thinking in the end. If we are going to not make it, then a clean break is best.
He tells me that he might be going to six flags this weekend and I'll need to clear it with the doctor before I go. I'd prefer not but I'd love the time with my little man.

Okay life stuff...

Well for my son, there is no word yet on child support, his father isn't working much and I understand that but doesn't change the price of diapers. I still think on most levels he thinks we'll get back together, I'd like to just have a casual relationship with separate quarters.
If I could make $60000 a year then I could afford him and a life style that could support everyone.

I've also been sent a sort of summons for a hearing about the support amount. I just want the limits, I'm not looking to skin a skinny cat, I need help not to leave a man homeless. It did not say that it was mandatory, I've tried several times to call the case worker. Good luck, I'm going to need t go down there in person.

Last night had a snippy comment from my oldest niece. I'm not sure what it is about me that brings the rude out of her. Most of the time I ignore her and stay out of her life and let her be an adult. But then she'll say something so insulting or treat me with such disrespect that I wonder if I'm dealing with her issues or mine. It's so disheartening to love someone who dispises you and has no problem telling you that. It doesn't ever seem to matter what I say or do with that kid, she hates me. On so many levels I ignore it and her but I'm always kind and helpful to her but never in a way that is intruding on her life. I guess I just don't feel close to her or have that compulsion to get close because of her lack of compassion and basic rudeness.
I think that if I just met her that I wouldn't be friendly with her. She's just not someone who has compassion--at least not for me. She knew and understood immediately why I was not keen on having her in the delivery room. She said herself that she would be a negative influence. Isn't that sad? That her opinion of me is already so low that she couldn't rise above all the whatever and be there for me? I think that without question that I would be there for her if she were having a child no matter how I feel about her and her attitude.
I really don't know what to do about this.
I guess my issue with my sister is that she allows the mistreatment and brushes it off. It would be fine in one case or two but she's always treated the situation that way. It feels as if my sister as long as my niece loves her best that it doesn't really matter how she treats me. And of course even if my son should treat my sister with disrespect then she expects me to defend her immediately. But for some reason this mistreatment of me has been allowed to continue for years. I don't get it.
I don't understand my family....ever.

Let's see..

I've been unable to complete a post lately don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm still working a few small deals but nothing major.

I spoke with an awesome lady in our office today about how they're commissions are structured. If I produce i get a much better deal but they seem pretty content with their plate. If our owners bring in new business the ladies up front make nothing off of that and it goes to the house and they have to service it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But if the ladies go out and get the business they get 15-25%, let's face it there is no incentive for them to do that.
What I want to do is work out something with the ladies that helps them and me, I think that if they solict for me amongest the current lines that they work with that I would be happy to share with them for the amounts they get currently. I think that would be good for them.

I'll need to discuss with my boss. I think if they solict for me then I should be able to share with them.

Still working...

No word yet on the out of state

Well... more life stuff

Still no word on my cardealership deal, no shocker there. I'm just letting it sit for a minute. I'll pursue tomorrow.

I've got two individuals sitting on my desk I need to follow up on but no motivation to do it.

Not sure if men should exist...

I wrote several emails to my ex and I do mean ex, telling him how proud I was of him for making some strides in righting his life. I thought that he was trying really hard for himself and our kids. I should have shut my mouth but I should have known all of it was just an illusion.

His response to praise was to

Early in never happened...

I'm just so wiped in the mornings it's pointless to even consider coming in earlier.
The ambition is there but the body is unwilling.

Finally finished the cardealership proposal only the medical I'm too lazy to do the dental which I don't have all the info for anyway. This deal is very important and is $5000 in premium a month. But the way they do the commission is interesting they pay per employee $29. So it doesn't really matter how many families or couples go on. It could mean around $400 per month to me. I can't wait, especially since I won't have to conduct even one enrollment meeting.
But I've earned each and every penny from this group.

Another one....

Well, I guess the faxing the current clients thing does work, besides the first gentlemen I have another referral from one of our other long time insured's. Okay so it's only a three person group but they have St Mary's and I'm pretty sure we can beat that. It would be nice to get some work out of my efforts.
She said she would call me next month but the truth is the fatter I get the less likely I'll be motivated to do anything. I tried to come home and wrap up the car dealership spreadsheet but in doing the comp of the plans I needed additional quote pieces.
We're running low on cash and I'll be curious to see where my efforts take me. I think that when I do go back on salary I will try to ask them for two pay periods each month. The way commissions have come in it makes little or no sense to have one per month and it makes me poor--er.
I'll try for an early in tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to get some more faxes and emails out.

faxing current clients...

So I've sent out 40-ish faxes and gotten one individual response, it's fine with me.
I only got up to the C's in our book of business.

The gentlemen has a girlfriend but says he's experienced a doubling of his premium in the last year. He's with Anthem and he doesn't use it that much. I guess he liked my lowering healthcare premiums ideas, I used some from John in Maryland and then I revamped some that worked better for me. He's a year younger than me but has bloodpressure and one med I'm somehow doubting that Aetna will touch. However I'm willing to run it with Humana and Assurant, Assurant won't love him but they might cover him.

Today I should have finished my comparsion of Idaho dealership but of course I left it at home. That sucks, I've got to get this thing done! Tonight I swear nothing is gonna stop me, but I do crave chocolate.

I've decided no more drama with the ex for now, I must stay away from his bedroom eyes and just work on work.

I've been busy....yeah right..

On the insurance front well, I sent out some faxes to some of our current clients intro-ing myself and giving them the free report. No response yet, but if I ever got off my lazy backside and checked my message's I'd be sure of that.

So I'm tired cranky and everything else that goes along with that. I went to Six Flags again weekend before last and it was hot and exhausting. We made the trip in one day. On the way back I had contractions but I remember from the last I did that I might be a lack of fluids and I had the ex stop and get me some water. An hour after that i was fine but I went straight home instead of staying with my ex at his motel residence.
I'm not sure what is going on between us but when I insisted on going on this trip it seemed to open him to something. I had no intentions of letting anything ever happen between us again but as usual with his touch I turn into his favorite brand of jello and that's where I'll leave that. As if my life wasn't in enough turmoil. I'm not making any decisions until after the baby is born. And maybe not even then.
I think no matter how I make it romantic between us, the simple truth is that he is simply the last Coca-cola in the room. I'm not well versed in love and romance but what I am sure of is that past the passion I can't live with him. I love to take care of others but they in return must take care of me and my needs. It could be as simple as getting my oil changed or filling my gas tank. I need that. But he doesn't do those things and he has a way of making me feel less than an equal. I think in my mind I need to be in charge and not have to deal with someone who treats me less than that.
That's kind of mean.

NAHU Expo!

I went to the NAHU expo this morning and only had time to stay for three speakers and got two CE credits. It was a good talk, fairly right wing for my rather liberal tastes but it's amazing how a guy can go around and get people to listen to him when he only points out one side of the issue and provides no solutions. Those are the folks you need to watch out for, because those are the one's that legislatures listen to.

The second speaker works in DC and has a better prospective to the way things are actually run and not such a biased view of it all. She was a great speaker and though again I didn't agree with everything she said at least with her, she knows where all the political bodies are buried. She noted that healthcare was not the kind of clear cut issue it use to be in terms of which party you belong to. She works hard with both sides of the aisle and that both sides have crackpots. She actually liked Senator Hardin's healthcare proposal.

As for work, I'm definately in slow down mode, I'm working little things here and there and returning phone calls. It seems like I'll forget about the baby for a minute and my old energy will return and then I'll stand up and go to the printer and every bone in my body reminds me that I am 25+ pounds heavier than I use to be. The baby is moving a great deal and laying in bed feels like a comfy death but I'm just waiting to drop this kid.

As for the ex, he kindly offered to take me and my son to dinner on Mom's day. But of course I could not accept it. I'm such a sucker. He also wants to take my son to small excursion on Saturday morning, which I'm allowing because I know the baby will love to pick up trash with his dad. I've got to learn to separate my emotions from my ex, he says dinner and I think we'll marry in June. What makes somebody take fifteen miles like that? I'm chucking it up to the pregnancy and I'm sticking to that. I did send him an email trying to explain that but knowing him it will make no sense to him. I don't understand how he can send me a venom filled email a week ago and then two days ago he's nice as pie. He's a psycho.

Car dealership is done and it only took 8 months!

Okay, so I promised myself that when i closed this hellish and do mean hellish deal that i would open a bottle of apple cider. But instead the closing of this deal coincided with my birthday which involved a cake, free dinner and lots of candy.

I had my sugar test this morning which I'm not optimstic about, starting tomorrow I'll be eating a lot of protein and little or no sugar. I haven't been big on candy and such this pregnancy but the last couple of days i've been eating a candy bar everyday for a quick pick me up and that's got to stop so that I not get too heavy. Sleeping has been difficult with extra 25 pounds I'm carrying now so if I lower the amount I weigh versus my last pregnancy I should be good.

As for the out of state cardealership deal, the quote came in today and it looks very good. Their current rates are over $250 per employee but the new rates (with some underwriting!) are all under $200. So it looks very good, even the dental rates look pretty good. I'm torn between writing it with the medical policy or writing it with a separate company and maybe adding some Life. For me I think the employer should put in some life if only to avert having someone die in your company and then having someone take an embarrsing collection just to get the guy buried. The advantage I find for having the dental separate is that the employee can do dental only without the hassle of dealing with the medical. So we'll see I'll have to look again at the dental rates alone.

As for my impending financial disaster, I'm thinking that it would be adviseable to merely start working from home after the birth of my son. The more I think about it the more adviseable it would be to start doing my own calls from home and just get better at it. I figured out that I would like to make around $60,000 a year and the rest would be a bonus but to live passablely well I'd like to make $32,000 after taxes. But at this point I'm barely making a grand a month and I need to do better than that. We'll see what my boss comes up with tomorrow. But the truth is I can't seem to give her more than 5 to 7 hours per day and working my current deals won't take me up to $2500 per month I need to pay my bills. I have no doubt that if I hadn't become pregnant I would have reached or surpassed my goal by now. I've made a list of the businesses that currently on the books and see if any of them might need health quotes.

If I could close ten to twenty deals in the next few months I'd surpass my goal and then some.

Since my last in...

Six flags trip was bearable, I had no problem traveling with my ex and the baby R. We stayed at a very nice hotel that he paid for with his Visa credits and it had two tv's so the guys stayed up and mommy slept. I willed myself to walk all day at Six Flags and sit down rarely. I think I did fairly well, I was exhausted but no complaining, who would I have complained to? My ex did complain about his bad back and aching feet, no sympathy from me that's for sure.

On the insurance front had 2 more meetings with my car dealership deal and we managed to keep the waivers to a minimum. My boss is awesome, she has such a great sense with people. $20,000 in premium a month and a slight boost for me.
The final waivers will be faxed in today by end of business.

On another level the gentlemen S who occupies an office next to mine has recenetly gone independent previously he's been captive with large companies but with escalating car and home rates he's had trouble keeping policies in force. So he is in the process of moving his book of business over to us. I assume he's getting the same deal I am from what I can glean from the bad acoutics of this office. He believes in the low hanging fruit of our office and he's even got me almost motivated to start cold calling them. But only time will tell cause we all know I'm a little hard to convince that our current business isn't dead. My feeling has been with the few limited calls I've made that the book is full of tired, almost out of the business folks. So let me sell you another policy but at the same time if I take the group and individual approach I might be able to do better. Also now I don't need to be hand held thru the whole process. I can do a health or dental deal a lot faster. Confidence is a big deal for me, and I still don't know enough about the taxes angle of the whole deal to speak about that.

My birthday is tomorrow and in the am early, I'm going to do my diabetes test. I'm experiencing some of the sympotoms of gestational diabetes. I'm postive that this will be my last pregnancy, unless I can afford to have some lady in India to do it for me. I'm worried. I hate needles and I know I'd be completely unable to do it without some help.

On the more personal note my ex was served with child support papers yesterday, I assume. I did warn him during our Six Flags trip, which he resents highly. I did leave him an email Thursday of last week after he called me and let me know that Sheriff's had been to his employer to serve him. He also stated that he didn't know how he was gonna tell me that he might get drug back to Arizona for something he didn't do. He sent me a long email explaining why he listed as a father of a kid that isn't his.
He's sent me several erratic emails telling me that he's going to be homeless because of me and that he's going to take Rowen away from me. I truly wonder if I was drugged when I fell in love with him. He has managed to completely separate his love for his son and his love for himself and money. Whatever!

Pure Insurance

As for the insurance front, I'm working a few deals.

One is my local car dealership, I'm waiting right now for the final sign off on rates and conditions.
After an intital great quote, the group ended up with a less than great quote due to a high rate of smokers and people who should be in the hospitial. If it wasn't for the fact that guarantee issue is mandatory for groups of 2-50 we'd be in a further world of hurt.
So today I need them to sign one final (haahaha) piece of paper and we should receive the cards by Friday.

My other deal is in Idaho, same car dealership, due to the hatred of our local group I made this group fill out medical forms before I'd show them the quote or I promised to leave them where they are at. The most recent bill had about 20 people on the plan but when I did the medical there were more like 34 with 4 waivers of coverage. The insurer pays about $29 per month per employee in commission so it really doesn't matter how many families or kids it's all about the employees. In the end it's around 10%, health insurance commission is crap by the way.
So this morning I received more missing info they requested so far thank god, no med records. I faxed it to Idaho, who have great response time and I'm hoping to get the info by the end of the week.

Another deal is our local and little 2 man group with an HSA plan, they are looking at $5000 deduct. It's a pretty cheap plan at just under $200 per employee per month, 8% commission but in the end it's worth it.
I followed up this morning, left a message, I'm hoping to have it in place by 5/1/2008.

Last one is an individual plan for a lady and her daughters, the husbands group emp plan too expensive and she wants to pay a decent rate. She was rejected earlier this month by Aetna, they said she had a bad combo of meds, one anxiety and one for insomnia. So were with Assurant now and I their process takes a little longer I find. But so far, I quoted her a standard rate and the fingers are crossed, I'm looking at a health policy at $300-$400 per month with a 20% commission. It all adds up.
I received an email from them yesterday asking her to call so that they can followup with some questions. I'll follow up with her tomorrow.

I see nothing coming in past that, I've got to start selling personal lines, looks like. But with S joining and probably getting the same deal as me, good luck in getting some one on one time to get me setup with the systems I need to quote properly.

To Six Flags or not to Six Flags...

That is the question, whether it is nobler to suffer the walking and constant hunger or to spend time with the love of my life. The jury is still out.

I received an offer from my former beloved to go with him and my son this weekend to our nearby Six Flags. Don't get me wrong, I know that my company and presence is not desired only my ability to watch the stroller and change diapers. But I suppose if I'm gonna make it out of this town before the birth of the baby this is my last chance.
I want to go to watch my kid have the time of his life. But my mood swings, constant hunger and constant fatigue would be like asking a granny to participate in a marathon. It's possible but she might die after.
Again no clear decision. My mother thinks I should go if only to keep an eye on him. She doesn't realize of course that the one eye is probably all he would get.

Also my former b-friend informed me that he will no longer be able to shuttle our son around in his work vehicle, he claims someone got wind of the car seat in his front seat and he was asked to sign a doc telling him that vans are for professional use only. (Then why do they let him take it home each and every night?) He also said his truck is not long for this world the registration and insurance have lapsed. I told him to take my car whenever possible. Not out of state but in state is fine and he'll be very good with it I know.

The main issue between us is child support, he doesn't know that I filed against him. I've decided to go with the it will be a lot easier for him to pass me money line. At least he'll have proof and when discussing child support that judge will not discuss visitation. Basically if he wants to fight for visitation he'll do it on his own dime. I hate to admit it but if he can just pay me some money, continue loving my kid and pay for the next one, I'll be fine with that.
Who knows when they will serve him. I'm hoping it's soon I filed the first week of this month, and maybe in the 90ish days I'll have some support.
I wish all of this would cause him to get his life together. But I doubt that will ever happen.

Still unwell...

So, my unwellness continues, and sadly I think any future work I do will have to be curbed. In my last pregnancy by the third trimester I was pretty okay, just big and getting bigger. This time I'm still fighting my stomach, indigestion, nausea and sleeplessness. I feel like I'm an inferior human being. Most of this pregnancy has been spent in bed just trying to find a comfy spot. After spending an hour on the couch yesterday I think it's possible I'll be living there for my last few weeks of pregnancy. I've been so depressed and wishing that instead of giving birth that I was instead looking forward to the release of an evil alien bursting from my chest and giving me eternal rest. It's only gonna get worse from here.

As for my P&C exam, I don't want to talk about it, I was this close. Another $90 down the drain, someone please shoot me. I'll retake tomorrow to my dying shame.

Car dealership in Idaho!

The car dealership deal I am in the process of finishing has a division in Idaho and we received a good quote for them but after my problems with the local division I didn't want to present it until I had received a medical looky.
Lots of smokers, and a couple of other medical problems, we'll see if I can keep that great rate. My gut is saying maybe if I raise the deduct.

I still have not being feeling well and since speaking with my boss yesterday I'm having 50th thoughts about entering into an agreement that might tie me to this place every day.
The rub is that I am sick from morning sickness almost every day. I become so ill that it's almost impossible for me to be here before 10am and since I'm fairly quick about the things I do do I can almost guantree I'll be done in two hours.

I think what I will propose to her is that if she is going to have me here for hours on end I need more responsiblity. I need to learn the P&C side, hand me a few things teach me something. I'm much better when I have something in my hand to do.

As for my tattered lovelife, I assume what little civility there is between my boyfriend and I will be gone the moment he receives word that I'm seeking child support. His portion of R's birth alone is close to $5000 or more and then monthly maintance is staggering. But a part of me doesn't feel sorry for him in the least. I mean he's had yearssssssss to pull himself together and do something with his life and if he wasn't going to do it for himself what about his kids?
If I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd be able to afford him and my family and somehow I'd make it all work. But I don't play the lottery.
He needs to pull himself together and asking for child support is the best way to make that happen. I don't want back child support at this time, I just want some help no more than the 18% required. I seriously doubt I'll get any of the hospitial money back from him. It's not about that. It's about diapers and doctor's visits. I wish I could make him see that.
No word yet on his medical condition, either that or he's not telling me. If he became ill I know I'd take him in. It would cause a world of pain to my family but there is no way that I would allow the father of my kids to be homeless. I know that he would do it for me. I mean the love has to go somewhere doesn't it?

Car dealership deal!

The owner finally put his foot down today and offered a strict $2500 deduct with a $40 copay plan to his employees.
What does this mean? Well overall the employees will have to share in the burden of the healthcare costs to the tune of $30 per biweekly paycheck. I'm afraid we'll lose participation but for the most part I'm with the not caring. Ive cared for over 6 months and let me tell you that caring gets you nowhere except crushed and disappointed with the whole thing. They can't understand why (the employees) have been uprated and reminding them that medically they are scary and that all smoke has done no good.

I've also sent in an Assurant app for a lady who was rejected by Aetna. The rate is much higher but still a lot less than the $600 per month she has with the dreaded Anthem.

I should have a decent idea of how my money situation will be as of 5/1/08. I hope!

Two out of three...

I took my P&C test this morning, I again was up at ungodly hour to take the test. I threw up my breakfast before leaving and spent the entire time taking the test in agony. My stomach churned and churned and I ran to the bathroom.
I failed my first test not by much I must add and I always knew that I would have to take some portion again, I think I was lucky I got any of it passed I was so sick.

R is at his father's and my house is empty, I've called him and he calls out to me but that's all. I don't want to bug him and I will call him tonight. I know he will have a good time but it's so hard on me.

I'll call tomorrow and get a new test setup and I can barely wait. The nausea that I thought was over still has it's hold over me it's hard to fill my stomach when all you want to do is dump what's in it. I had no doctor appt in March due to the switch of doc's and now my appointment has been pushed to the 25 of April. I must discuss my leg pain and nausea with him. I'm so tired, still.
I'm taking today off from studying and I'll start a fresh again tomorrow.