Tired but not sleeping...

Sleep is something I seem to do during the day but a night my mind races and I seem to not even consider sleeping. Also I can't find my sleeping pills, but that's okay I will just make sure I take my anti-anxiety and hope I'll sleep.

This pregnancy has been marred by indegestion and nausea. I can't wait to have my body back. A part of me wants to run away from everything and everyone once the baby is born while another wants to just cuddle my babies and nest.

Another torturous day with my over eighteen nieces, they seem to want to drive me completely mad. I've never known what pure entitlement was like. I was raised with money and when I was their age I had no money. It changed me and made me a better person. But I think I've made the cardinal mistake of parenting, which is to tell your children how wonderful they are and to never prepare them for the realities of life. That's the biggest injustice that you can do to your kids. They've always succeeded they've known some bad moments but in the end they've always gotten ahead. If there was ever anything they've really ever needed we've gotten it for them. And to a certain extent it's made them feel entitled to only the good and best.
I've done this to them. They think they have the right to tell me what's beneath them. That's the theme with them. None of us are princesses but I've raised two and one prince. I feel like such a failure.
It's as if everything I had to do to keep a roof over their heads was just somehow worth nothing to them. It makes me so sad I just wish that maybe I had kept a little more for myself. I think it's wrong for me to give them anything now.
I understand what tough love is now. It's really is about making the other person see that it's not all about them. I'd like to make them more responsible and accountable. But their mother is so afraid of losing them that she won't back me up on this one.
I just feel like such a failure. I've created monsters who will saddle me with grand like children who are gonna grow up wild, rich and entitled. Sounds great.

Home today...

Finally got the sign off on my small two person group that I got from another agent who'll share the commission with. I'm still not sure if he is going to remain with the agency but I do hope he will because he's at least working.

It's been a stressful day, my poor niece's car was leaking fuel from the gas intake but we managed to get it home. It may have simply been an overfilled gas tank. The car is a nightmare with everything wrong with it. My hope is that eventually we will be able to replace it with something slightly updated.

After being turned down for a credit card I decided to go ahead and ask my sister to pay off several of my medical bills. I have no idea when I will be able to pay her back but I couldn't deal with being in collections. I feel like I have done at least this much for her and it's nice to have her pay me back. But it's hard for her after suffering for so long with no credit at all to have her credit suddenly get sucked away. I will do everything I can to make that change.

Last stressful thing was my ex, I had tried to call him this morning to see how he was doing but he didn't answer. So then I called tonight close to sun down and found out he'd picked up his meds but had no food in his place. I rushed over and bought him some food to tide him over until he is paid. I don't know what more to do for him. I'm cash poor and credit poor but I used the last few dollars I had to pay for some frozen dinners and some cranberry juice.
I don't know what to do with him. I made him some soup before I left and cried useless tears. I may have even said I loved him but I don't think it was true. What do you say to someone who is so clearly in bad shape?
My sisters complaint is that I have compassion for him but he doesn't return it. I can only counter with that compassion is not something that you can expect to be returned. All I can really do is do what I can for those who need me and hope that I can sleep at night. Now I know he's fed, I can sleep.

My son is asleep next to me, he didn't nap today and he's passed out with a bottle in his mouth. I'm waiting for my dinner and then I will follow him.

I am so glad this day is nearly over.

More stress...

I received a phone call from my ex who took our son to Six Flags this weekend and I was shocked to discover he's sick again. My son is stuck 3 hours away with a guy who should be in a hospitial and here I am at night unable to go save the day.

I'll have my sister go in the am to get him if he is unable to make it home himself.

He's sick complaining he's poor and he's got my kid with him. I think he will probably make it home but I need to borrow some cash from my mother to get him to a doctor and get him med's. I could just kill him but that wouldn't be smart right?

I'm almost nine months pregnant and I'm more worried about him and his illness then having this baby I'm pregnant with. I guess deep down I feel like he has no one. He came to live with me and that I disappointed him and I have to keep saving him. Trust me if I made more I'd never ask him for a penny of child support but I don't have that luxury.
If I don't get him to the doctor he'll miss work and then he won't be able to give my kid a penny. Not that I've gotten one.
Why can't he see that having a family, people who love you is not the worst thing? If he was alone he'd be screwed stuck in a hotel room with my kid and he could be dead. He has no idea how much we all need family. I think if he does end up needing to be picked up I will try to reach his parents. He's ill, he's been in the hospitial and somehow they need to know.

My sister is of course upset, it feels like it's with me but she immediately offered to go and save him. I wish I could go but I can't. If I were to go into labor in the middle of nowhere what would we do?
I'm more worried about him and my kid then I could possibly be about myself. I know that if something happens to me that I'll have my family but if something happens to them?
I feel helpless and useless, if I had the cash and the body I'd be in Vacaville now.
Fingers crossed.

quotes are in...

Okay so not all of them are in, my local cardealership numbers are in and they rated them a 1.0 which is insane. The other quote with my previous employer was less than crazy it matched and exceeded their current rate--hahaha! So I spoke with my boss and he was sure we weren't gonna move them until next year.

I also got a quote for our agency but it was expensive to say the least. I'm waiting for Aetna, I'm hoping it will come first thing in the morning. I can only hope for the sake of those in office who need good coverage that we can do something for our group that will make my bosses happy and at the same time help those who really need it. Fingers crossed, again.

I got my first renewal for my first dental case, it went up a total of less than 2 bucks. You sure don't mind showing that to a client.

I've got a painter, no info yet.
I've got a tileman, no info yet.
I've got a construction company, no return contact yet.

The dentist, no word yet I've given my boss the quotes to present.
The property management deal, they need to sign off on the higher rate and it will be done.
My nieces policies are filled out and in but one of them I had to change the effective date. So I'll submit her in a couple of weeks. The other? No word yet.
My son's policy is in place.

I really want to do a fax blast soon to the remainder of the contacts I have. I have gotten some buzz just no business.
I'll make a marketing flyer for all the different businesses we do and try to blast or mail on them. I really do think we should plow the land we have, no with coldcalls but with info.

I'm really looking forward to doing home, auto, rental and motorcycles when I get back. I'd really like to get a cellphone that my sister can man that is pure quotes in spanish. I can have her take down the info and set up appointments for me. If I can get enough of them I can write a lot of policies. I can hit my neighborhood and really post my number and get the policies from marketing myself as local in their neighborhood. Real doorhangers would be perfect. I can get my kids to really do marketing after school and on the weekends.

Now if I can only drop this baby...

In continuing life drama, I cancelled a meeting with a mediatator because I'm unsure if I will be available to sit and come up with a parenting plan. Especially when I'm not sure if and when I'm going to give birth. A reasonable excuse?
So, I should I throw caution to the wind and plan on being there just to make my ex happy?
But luckily I found a great parenting plan template from the state of Alaska that allows you in a word doc to pick and choose options for free. We'll see how it goes.
My ex was as compassionate as ever screaming at me when I informed him of the change after all he'd been waiting a whole two months! So screaming at the pregnant lady is gonna help right? If he can't be compassionate enough to give me a break when I'm pregnant does anyone really think that sitting infront of a meditator is gonna help? He already said that he didn't want mediatation that he wanted 50% custody. So it's all in vain.
I've tried and will continue to try to be reasonable but I'm tired of getting yelled at for trying to keep open the lines of communication. He calls me names and then he thinks it's just fine to ask me for money.
All I want is for him to have reasonable visitation with his sons and leave me alone. After that who really cares? To him it's all about winning and losing and the actual parenting is more about feeding him pizza and going to see monster trucks. He doesn't see the grind of it.

I can't wait...

I think in order to keep myself amused I'll develop a sort of sales goal for myself each month. I'd like to start out slow with health 5 individual and 2 groups each month. That could be an additional $200/$300 per month in commission. It would be interesting for me to do that my first month out.

I have no experience in P&C but I think if I do that plus the health I should be able to survive pretty quickly. The gentlemen who has joined our office has little interest in sitting behind a desk all day waiting for auto and home to come in. I'll have to spend some time marketing but that's what my niece's and nephews are for. I think car signs, sandwich boards, hitting apartments and businesses near my work are what I should do. After that I think some english and spanish newspapers. But I'm not sure what future of health is so I need to have a strong strength in auto and home because we all know everyone needs that.

I have no crystal ball for the future of Individual health insurance, I believe intensely that the government has a fundamental obilgation to make sure that all americans have access to the best quality healthcare. That may go against most in my profession but I do believe it. You can never justify what happens in this state the lack of good healthcare to those who really need it is the worst kind of tragedy. I'd prefer to never make a penny off people's misery. I've come to believe that if I cannot help then why hinder.

I think that group health insurance will go nowhere it will become tougher, because let's face it if GI is going to become a reality, it may never make sense to go with group for some.

In non-preachy updates, our agencies healthcare update should come in tomorrow, I'm not holding my breath.
Also I received a quote from my old employer for my car dealership and the rates were exactly what I expected. High and higher. I'm gonna pull together a spread sheet showing them the rates. They have to be max rated. The starting rates look good but reality is that this group will be uprated.
Tomorrow I should have the Aetna rates for both groups. I'm going to be very interested in seeing how that ends up.

No baby take two...

Woke up Sunday feeling fine but completely exhausted. Later that evening my stomach turned and I was vomiting for the rest of the night. I couldn't keep anything down, even water and then the contractions came but nothing came of it. I ran a small fever and called the doctor, they just advised me to get the liquids in and if the contractions became more consistent then start to worry.
I hate this time, waiting and waiting. I hate surprises.

My son also threw up last night, no warning just a volcano next to me. My sister blamed his eating but I'm reserving judgement until I'm sure he's fine. His father, my ex is suppose to pick him up this evening but I'm worried the illness might continue. I'd like to stay home with him today but I'm unsure.

I'm really trying to wind down even more work wise, I'm just so tired and I want to make sure that things that I can do are put to bed. I need to stay close to home. I do not want to go into labor while I'm work.

No baby yet...

I woke up this morning feeling like crap which is normal but in a good mood, which is rare. I'm so looking forward to this birth, okay not the labor but those moments after the baby comes and holding and kissing him.
And now my energy seems up which is strange because I haven't eaten I have no urge to eat, the urge to eat is usually just nausea on the brink of sickness.
In more good news, the baby has a middle name and his initials will be ARG, I'm so happy that this is finally done! I feel like his father and I trully picked the names together this time, he agreed on the first name and then picked out the middle name himself. I wish I had a man who actually wanted to share this whole making a family thing with. We just have different ideas of family, I need mine and he doesn't. I just couldn't take being with him the rest of my life and being controlled by him and his worthless opinions. It's so funny that I have managed to live most of my life without his criticism but now he thinks that I need him. Oops no!

I think his father held off picking a name in hopes that I would change my mind and let him attend the birth, never ever will that happen.

I just took a walk, which I never do and took my castor oil afterwards. I'm hoping it will work this time. I have to say that chilling the castor oil actually didn't do anything for me, I almost gagged. So I'll take it out before I take it again. I don't mind the whole running to the bathroom thing. I went to the bathroom last night so all I've got is liquid in my system.

I'd love to do this under a doctor's supervision but of course they want a hellish amount of to go see them again. I can't afford it, bills are just too high.
Unfortunately I've applied for a credit card and I'm hoping that I can get enough credit to put all my bills on it and then I can just pay it off slowly. I'm willing to combine the baby bills and the one regular credit card I have and just stop with that.

I just wish I could get more clients and just get my financial future together. I could be really well off for the next few years if I can just get it together.

Castor oil...

Well on the baby front, I tried castor oil yesterday. The taste was not that bad, sort of like some sort of nut oil, like cashew oil and it was a little warm but i'm going to put it in the refrig and I think it'll be fine. But after cleaning out my system nothing happened for an hour or more and then I got some pretty cool contractions. They lasted for about 45 minutes and hurt a little but let's face it I'm not far enough along so it was just a good false alarm. It was a good experiment, that I repeat until I have achieved success!

Oh the work front, I've sent out my local car dealership deal out again for bid and I really don't want to move them. So, I'm hoping the rates will come back crazy high. But the overall make up of the group has changed. The two individuals who made my life hell in underwriting are gone. So, Aetna and my former employer are up, my former employer is over priced but we'll see what happens with those over priced bastards.

The dentist group, I ran StMarys, Aetna, Anthem and out of the three Aetna's almost makes sense. Anthem kills me they have super decent deduct's and crazy plans outside of that. So you could have a decent plan as long as you want zero prescription. So, in order to get decent prescription plan you have to pay a couple hunderd extra per person. I was not impressed.
So, we might end up putting the group on Aetna, and putting the dependants on individual policies but there are no savings, not really. We had tried to put them with Best but that fell through when the rates were out of range. I just don't see it happening. The group because it's dental is already uprated and then to add on their medical they're max rated. If I can get them on a plan, it will be around $2000 to $3000 a month in premium, which could be around $70 bucks a month to me.

The property management group that I got thru the independant agent is almost ready to go. The father/owner decided to add on his daughter which is an additional $400 in premium. I tried to convince him to go with an individual policy similar to the $92 a month policy I'm carrying but no luck. Sometimes you can just tell that people want it done and money is not the issue. So hopefully it will be place tomorrow. Not a great money gig for all the work I've done, but I didn't have to prospect it.

As for our agency, I sent out our health to bid as well, we're with my former employer and have a decent little discount with them but it will be very difficult to pass due to one agents medical. I'm hoping it will all wash out. It's going to be hard, everything is age weighted which it makes it look even worse. I have some hope with Aetna, but I figured out Stmarys and it looked pretty bad.

I will be setting up my boss' Aetna producer log in tomorrow and set it up so that I have good access and won't have to be the 15th on the list for info.
Also I finally got my niece's signed up for Aetna coverage, who knows if they will make it but if not Assurant will be my next option. I love my girls.

I also made sure that my home and auto, commission comes to me each month and not the agency.

I feel like I'm building my book little by little.

If I can get to the point where I'm making around $2000 a month in commission I'll be fine. If my ex ever pays child support then I should be good until I can get the commission to $3000 a month. Once I'm there, I'll be able to support my expensive habit of food, home and babies.

I'm hoping this weekend I'll be in the hospitial and delivering this baby and then I should be at work full time in August.

I just wish I could sleep.

I fear I'll have to...

change the name of this blog when I'm pregnant no more.

I've had few work challenges but lots of life one's.

Work has been great, I mean I love my clients but people don't answer or return phone calls. I need to just move on with some. I mean lots of other agents know how to do that. But I think I need to just detach and go with the good. I find serious clients sign the bottom line quickly.

So I'm working on the dental doctor's group, and to tell you the truth pulling this group together is not pleasant. I just don't see how I can beat their really good rates with individual policies and still give them good coverage.
I have a tile guy who sold his business and I'm trying to get the new owner coverage on 8/1 hopefully he'll call me tomorrow and I can pull the info together and get him some quotes. No serious hope there.
It will be three months and no commission from BL, okay, so I understand that my car dealership folk haven't paid on time in the last 2 months. But I mean if I was on commission I'd be starving literally. I mean you give them service and you hope they'll pay their bills.
The car dealership in ID is paying commission on Friday it will be for June and July so for me it will be $500 and half that per month which is nice. I still need to move them, but they take so long to do anything. It pisses me off.

Life stuff...
Well, for some unknown reason my ex's employer has begun deducting money from his check eventhough there is no order yet to do so. So he has been hounding me to give him money back, money I havent and won't receive for at least 2 months. But there he is screaming he won't have a place to live and how it's all my fault.
So he decided to move across the street into a normal apartment and try to live the life of normal folk. We'll see, because he'll need first and last and then the deposit.
I guess the part that gets to me is that he writes me email after email trashing me and calling me selfish and horrible things. He blames me for everything. And then he wants money.
Once he got his rent paid, thru his knowledge of ice machines he was fine.
He took our son for the weekend and all was well.
Then the next night I get an email and starts his normal crap telling me that we should be together and that we could have a great life together, blah blah blah.

I don't get that, if I'm a selfish person, lazy and self centered as he screams to the high heavens. If I am these things then why do you want to be with me? I just don't get that.
Your so horrible, nasty and yucky--be with me forever?

I just think he's scared, I'm not. I've always been manless in a romantic way. I have my kids those are my focus.
I did write to him before he got his rent paid that I didn't think it was fair that he call me every name in the book while I'm pregnant and vulnerable. But I'm the selfish one!

I just feel so empty with him, he doesn't give me the basic stuff you need to make a relationship work. Where's the respect? Affection? Love? Kindness?
The reality of him isn't pleasant. I won't stay with somebody who makes me want to crawl up into a fetal position each time he is in the room. It affects our son, he can see that his father doesn't respect his mother and he responds to it. How can I let our son see that day after day?
I was never happier then when my father was not around my mother. She was just a better person without him. But like me she clung to the idea of keeping the family together and not fessing up to what was true.
We are tied to our kids that doesn't mean we have to be a disfunctional unloving couple. I don't need him for anything not really. Our only connection is physical and let's face it, it's not enough to really get sad about. I wish I could keep that with him but it's not fair to either of us.

The only good solution is a clean break but we're both complete wimps. Neither of us is very good at breakup's, but I just don't think he can change. And I just won't settle for what little he offers and how empty he makes me feel.

I've told him he won't be at A's birth, my sister is afraid I'll change my mind. After the way he treated me last time, no fear there. I dont think she has a clear understanding of how awful our relationship is and was at that time. It doesn't make any sense.

I've told myself that I won't make any decisions about my relationship with my ex, but really there is no decision to make. I'm just putting off the truth.

Happy Fourth!

It's a smoky but beautiful day outside but I'm stuck inside, while the family is at the Lake having fun in the sun. I trully considered going with them but there is no way that I could be in an uncomfortable chair longer than five minutes. But the baby is there happy to play in the sand all day.

Thursday was a short day at work and it seemed like forever until I could get to work. I stayed until closing which was at 3pm which worked for me. I had to go by the Property Management company i've been working with to pick up some forms and give them back their check. I found them a good Aetna deal HMO no less.

On a less positive note, my ex finally got his first indication of how much child support was going to be removed from him. I got several emails calling me names and then telling me he needs money. He's still trying to get back together with me. So he claims he'll be on the street in two weeks, my fault of course. Our child is almost three years old and he has never given me a dime in support and if he'd have offered a reasonable amount then we trully would not be in this spot. I'm torn I don't want the father of my kids on the street but we're talking about a guy who's never once asked about how I'm doing or had any compassion for anyone but himself and our kids. And every email he sends is filled with hate and the blame game but then he says we are good together and he wants money. I'm in such turmoil, even my mother agrees I should give him some food at least. I just wish it was all over.

I'll be taking my niece to work next week if only to get her out of the house.

Playing well with others...

I was suppose to meet with a group that we were trying to effective 7/1/08, but I'm working with someone else's lead and it's tough cause I would have had this wrapped up but he got involved. So in any case i'm doing this at his speed not mine.
I want to get this in force as quickly as possible but when your at the mercy of others, your screwed.

I had a dentist group a couple of months ago and the medical on them really sucked so we had to abandon their group policy attempt. So in any case, I resubmitted it to other carriers and I'm hoping to have it in place by 8/1/08.

So here I am trying to stay at work as long as I can to make sure I don't miss anything but it's getting harder each day. I'm going to do everything I can to keep myself viable until the end.

Nothing changes...

Still working on my commission statement, I have to run down each and every person on it to make sure I get paid at some point.

Also the other gentlemen in our office who recenetly went from captive to independant is unhappy with his situation here.