I fear I'll have to...

change the name of this blog when I'm pregnant no more.

I've had few work challenges but lots of life one's.

Work has been great, I mean I love my clients but people don't answer or return phone calls. I need to just move on with some. I mean lots of other agents know how to do that. But I think I need to just detach and go with the good. I find serious clients sign the bottom line quickly.

So I'm working on the dental doctor's group, and to tell you the truth pulling this group together is not pleasant. I just don't see how I can beat their really good rates with individual policies and still give them good coverage.
I have a tile guy who sold his business and I'm trying to get the new owner coverage on 8/1 hopefully he'll call me tomorrow and I can pull the info together and get him some quotes. No serious hope there.
It will be three months and no commission from BL, okay, so I understand that my car dealership folk haven't paid on time in the last 2 months. But I mean if I was on commission I'd be starving literally. I mean you give them service and you hope they'll pay their bills.
The car dealership in ID is paying commission on Friday it will be for June and July so for me it will be $500 and half that per month which is nice. I still need to move them, but they take so long to do anything. It pisses me off.

Life stuff...
Well, for some unknown reason my ex's employer has begun deducting money from his check eventhough there is no order yet to do so. So he has been hounding me to give him money back, money I havent and won't receive for at least 2 months. But there he is screaming he won't have a place to live and how it's all my fault.
So he decided to move across the street into a normal apartment and try to live the life of normal folk. We'll see, because he'll need first and last and then the deposit.
I guess the part that gets to me is that he writes me email after email trashing me and calling me selfish and horrible things. He blames me for everything. And then he wants money.
Once he got his rent paid, thru his knowledge of ice machines he was fine.
He took our son for the weekend and all was well.
Then the next night I get an email and starts his normal crap telling me that we should be together and that we could have a great life together, blah blah blah.

I don't get that, if I'm a selfish person, lazy and self centered as he screams to the high heavens. If I am these things then why do you want to be with me? I just don't get that.
Your so horrible, nasty and yucky--be with me forever?

I just think he's scared, I'm not. I've always been manless in a romantic way. I have my kids those are my focus.
I did write to him before he got his rent paid that I didn't think it was fair that he call me every name in the book while I'm pregnant and vulnerable. But I'm the selfish one!

I just feel so empty with him, he doesn't give me the basic stuff you need to make a relationship work. Where's the respect? Affection? Love? Kindness?
The reality of him isn't pleasant. I won't stay with somebody who makes me want to crawl up into a fetal position each time he is in the room. It affects our son, he can see that his father doesn't respect his mother and he responds to it. How can I let our son see that day after day?
I was never happier then when my father was not around my mother. She was just a better person without him. But like me she clung to the idea of keeping the family together and not fessing up to what was true.
We are tied to our kids that doesn't mean we have to be a disfunctional unloving couple. I don't need him for anything not really. Our only connection is physical and let's face it, it's not enough to really get sad about. I wish I could keep that with him but it's not fair to either of us.

The only good solution is a clean break but we're both complete wimps. Neither of us is very good at breakup's, but I just don't think he can change. And I just won't settle for what little he offers and how empty he makes me feel.

I've told him he won't be at A's birth, my sister is afraid I'll change my mind. After the way he treated me last time, no fear there. I dont think she has a clear understanding of how awful our relationship is and was at that time. It doesn't make any sense.

I've told myself that I won't make any decisions about my relationship with my ex, but really there is no decision to make. I'm just putting off the truth.